A Bitter Hateful Note About Cellphones -or- Ways to Effectively Point With Your Middle Finger

I speak for anyone who works in retail — or rather, anyone who works with people of any kind — when I say that we love when people can’t hang up their phones to talk to us. We adore being treated like vending machines. Isn’t that all we really are? We take your money, and give you your chosen product along with your change. Why treat us any differently?

Please avoid eye contact at all costs, please ignore any and all that we say, and please if you absolutely must make eye contact, make sure to give us an unsavory look, after all, we are the ones interrupting your very important phone call about what your favorite taco bell menu item is. I’m partial to the chalupa myself, but who cares what I have to say? I’m only the one handling your money.

It’s offensive how locally owned food establishments post signs on their registers that say, “We will not take your order if you are on your cell phone.” The audacity of these handwritten signs are unbelievable. I deserve the right to not speak directly to you while you ask me what I would like to order. I am on a tight schedule and if I don’t explain to the person on the other end of the phone what happened in last nights episode of “Lost,” they will never be able to catch up. That show is all over the place, and the next episode starts in 952 hours. If I have to hang up the phone for five minutes to order some food, they won’t know whats going on.

Of course, sarcasm aside, the real emotion that I express here is my jealousy towards these signs. I would love to paste my own handwritten “no cellphones” sign to my register. I often imagine what it would look like and what words I would underline with an angry red pen. The different smiles I could employ while pointing to it. Maybe a big smile revealing all of my teeth, or perhaps just a sly smirk would get my point across. Maybe I would just point to the sign with my middle finger. Unfortunately though, I am not the one paying my salary, so I don’t get to make those kind of decisions.

Instead, I use this editorial as my handwritten sign, and this is the part underlined in red pen: hang up your cellphone before you get to the register. We’re not vending machines. We don’t spit your bills back out to you. We accept wrinkled and folded dollars, and we thank you for them. We only ask that you at least show some acknowledgment.

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About Kyle Hilliard
I used to be a freelancer. Now I write for Game Informer magazine. Someday, when the time is right, I will grow a mustache.

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