Tales of Human Behavior -or- Procreation Isn’t For Everyone

We have a television in our store that plays trailers for upcoming games and has two attractive hosts telling family friendly jokes about videogames.

There was a woman waiting on her son to pick out a game watching the video in rapt attention. Her stained gray sweatshirt, which had very apparently been thrown on just before walking out the door, gave me the impression that leaving her house was a rare and dangerous excursion. It also led me to regrettably visualize what she could have possibly been wearing before deciding that she needed to cover it up with the last second sweatshirt.

A trailer for the upcoming Rock Band Beatles game came on the video, and she felt compelled to shout the names of the songs as they played.

“Paperback writer!” she quickly sputtered. She turned to me with an accomplished grin on her face undoubtedly thinking, “That’s right, I know the title of that song.” She must have been looking to me for verification, which I provided with my overly polite smile.

Her son having finally narrowed his search, brought Grand Theft Auto up to the counter. “Now ‘mam,” I warned, “This game is mature rated. I can’t sell it to anyone under the age of 17.” She looked at me, aghast — not becasue of her son’s choice of entertainment, but becasue of my audacity. How dare I assume this game be inappropriate for a child clearly under the age of 12. “He plays with the volume off,” she assured me.

I have conducted tests in order to prove this theory, and can say, without a doubt, that any form of mature media that is presented without sound automatically becomes suitable for all ages.

I once watched Aladdin on mute only to discover that I had in fact been watching Scarface the whole time once I turned the sound on.

That boy grew up to be a Harvard graduate. And by Harvard I mean 6th grade.

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About Kyle Hilliard
I used to be a freelancer. Now I write for Game Informer magazine. Someday, when the time is right, I will grow a mustache.

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