G.I. Joe Deserves All of Its Praise -or- Molded Plastic Supports Our Economy and Cultural Progression

The success of Transformers — and I am of course referring to the financial success and not the artistic integrity of the film — has inspired the powers at be to create a G.I. Joe movie. According to rottentomatoes.com, the film has amassed about $121 million, which is approximately $121 million more dollars than I can ever hope of having within my possession.

I will admit that I have not seen the film, but I do plan on watching the film a year or two after it’s TBS network premiere while flipping through channels until at least the first commercial break. I think it is fair for me to assume that the film is probably not very good. I do not blame the filmmakers though, I don’t even blame the source material cartoon — which in case you’re wondering, is as awesome as you remember it.

I have been contemplating this issue. Why did everyone spend so much money on G.I. Joe and Transformers? What is it about these films that drives people to empty their wallets into a popcorn bucket? And I believe I’ve figured it out. Molded plastic. People love molded plastic. Action figures, Tupperware, boobs. People spend lots of money on all of those things, $121 million to be exact, probably even more on boobs.

What will be the next molded plastic film or food container phenomenon? I have my money on a Rubik’s cube movie. That thing is basically just a wad a plastic cubes. They probably use little plastic cubes to melt and mold into action figures and boobs. They are going to hit up the multicolored pre-molded plastic source material. We should see a trailer pretty soon, and the popcorn will be served in a Rubik’s cube shaped popcorn tub. I can’t wait to see the first 15 minutes on TBS in five or six years.


About Kyle Hilliard
I used to be a freelancer. Now I write for Game Informer magazine. Someday, when the time is right, I will grow a mustache.

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