Gabe Newell’s facebook account got hacked

It looks like the relationship between Apple and Steam is much different than we all assumed. If Gabe Newell’s clearly protected, and well secured facebook account is any indication of what is going on in the secret Apple/Valve meetings, it looks like Steve Jobs is letting Newell in on some very cool and totally legitimate opportunities to test out new Apple technology.

This is a deal that clearly should not be passed up.

My assumption, which is about as believable as free iPads on the internet, is that Newell agreed to develop Valve’s library of games for the Macintosh platform in one of these secret Apple/Valve meetings. Newell agreed to the development commitment only if he could get a good deal on Apple hardware. Jobs, who makes these sorts of deals in person, carefully whispered to his most trusted advisor, Justin Long, contemplating the precarious decision.  Newell sat across from him, arms crossed with his most trusted advisor, an android version of Gordon Freeman equipped with advance artificial intelligence. As Jobs whispered to Long, Newell whispered to A.I. Freeman, who of course, gave no response. Just a look of confident purpose.

Artist's rendering of a real secret meeting that actually happened.

When Jobs finally came to a decision, he said, “I agree to your terms, but only under the condition that you will tell me what you think of that iPad, and that you do it quickly.” Newell contemplated Jobs’ suggestion, and was about to agree, until he looked over at Freeman’s sullen face. Newell remembered that Valve was about community, and cool stuff for free (unless you’re on Xbox), and Newell said, “Okay Jobs, but I have one condition for you!” Jobs retreated slightly, scared, as Long stepped forward, making eye contact with Freeman. Newell said, “I will make my games play on your computer, and I will review your merchandise in exchange for free hardware, but if you want me to shake that mythical hand of yours and seal this deal, then you must let me offer free iPads in exchange for reviews, to all of my facebook fans!”

Freeman threw his fist into the air, and in all the excitement, accidentally fired his gun right into Justin Long’s chest. Luckily for Long, his commercial contract was quadruple folded in his breast pocket and the bullet was stopped. Unfortunately, the contract was destroyed, and that is why the, “I’m a Mac and I’m a PC,” ads are no longer on TV.

And that is how it all happened. Check out Gabe Newell’s facebook page for a free iPads. Trust him it works.

A List of Facts about Pixar and Toy Story 3

An unrelated picture of Steve Jobs as Woody defending the iPhone 4, much Like Woody defends his plan in Toy Story 3. The moral of the story is that in the end, Woody was right.

– In the future when robots have taken over humanity and there is a small group of humans fighting the oppressive force, Toy Story 3 will be used as a test of human emotion. If someone can watch Toy Story 3 without crying, or at least showing some semblance of emotion, then they can be destroyed, as it is obvious this person is a robot trying to infiltrate the resistance. If time is short, the prologue of Up will be an acceptable alternative.

– If Ira Glass ever teams up with Pixar to make a film, no films will need to be released afterward as they will have undoubtedly crafted the perfect story. There are teams of agents throughout Hollywood holding daily meetings to make sure that this partnership is prevented.

– Toy Story 3 is the kind of movie that makes terrible movies look like crimes against humanity. It is also the kind of movie that makes good movies look like terrible movies.

– Pixar has always shown an ability to predict the course of human emotion and affect the audience in unexpected ways. Basically, they know what they’re doing. They did not for some reason though, have the foresight to realize that it is very difficult to wipe tears form your eyes while wearing 3D glasses.

John Ratzenberger and his mustache.

– The simple act of watching Woody run from one place to another as his arms and legs flail about maniacally, is hilarious. If Toy Story 3 had been a Dreamworks production, the entire film would have revolved around this action. Also, the end dance sequence shown alongside the credits would have encompassed anywhere from 55% to 70% of the film.

– Why other film companies have not adopted the practice of placing John Ratzenberger in every one of their films is beyond me. Clearly he is the secret to the success of Pixar.

Steve Jobs is Winning the War Against Purse Mirrors

Sure, the iPhone is awesome, I use mine all the time. I ignore e-mails with it, check to see what time it is and to make sure my fingerprint smudges could still identify me to the police. It is truly something I could not live without at this point. We forget though, that it is destroying certain important elements of our economy. Whole entire sectors of industry are buckling and failing as the app store rolls over them like some kind of giant metaphor of destruction.

Tapes and CD’s? Dead.
Standalone GPS devices? Dead.
The Motorola Razr? Dead.
The need to make lightsaber sound effects with our mouths as we pantomime invisible lightsabers around? Dead.

This image was not photoshopped at all.

The iPhone 4 is no different. I can’t believe no one has already seen it. Less believable though, is the fact that no one is doing anything about it. I am talking of course, about purse mirrors.

With the advent of the forward facing camera on the iPhone 4, Apple has effectively destroyed all the purse mirror manufacturers in the world. Women will no longer need to carry a small mirror around in their purses to check the status of their makeup, and men can finally pretend to check their e-mails while fixing their hair.

I don’t claim that this has been Apple’s intent from the beginning, to destroy the purse mirror industry, but I also don’t claim that it hasn’t been. Who knows what dastardly meeting agendas filter through the internal Apple e-mail threads. The proof is out there, for those who want to connect the invisible dots and make blind unprovoked accusations. Steve Jobs hates purse mirrors.

I am predicting now that the iPhone 5, or 4G, or whatever combination of letter and number they decide to tack on to the word iPhone, will go after the hairbrush industry next. Just you wait. That thing is going to be encased in bristles.